One of my goals for 2018 was to to get a little more personal about my life. This is actually a lot harder than I thought it was going to be…I have actually had this post written for more than a month and have just now decided to share it! Feels a little bit more vulnerable than I want, but I am just going to go for it. I am by no means an expert on any of this, but I want to share my personal experience dealing with depression and anxiety in hopes that it will help some of you. This is my story…
Back in 2005, I was starting college at Oklahoma State University. I was excited and hoped that my college experience was going to be everything I wanted. I was going to be best friends with my roommate, go to all the parties and my long distance boyfriend from high school and I were going to make things work. Unfortunately, that was not the case. While, I loved the idea of being 4 hours away from home and being on my own for the first time, I actually hated it. I wasn’t that close with my roommate (wasn’t her fault…she was really sweet, but she was busy with rushing for a sorority) and I wasn’t going to rush for a sorority, which was really the only way to meet a lot of people in a large school like OSU.
I quickly realized that my college experience wasn’t what I had expected. I was so homesick, missed my boyfriend and was very unhappy with it all. I made friends, but something still wasn’t right with me. I wasn’t happy and all I wanted to do was sleep. I felt like I was dragging around a huge weight with me. I would go home a lot this year (honestly almost every weekend) and begged my Dad to let me transfer to another school. I thought this would help solve my unhappiness. He actually didn’t want me to transfer schools, but I applied to schools in Texas anyway. I got accepted to the University of North Texas and transferred in 2006. At first, I was a lot happier because I was closer to home and to my boyfriend. However, I still was struggling with depression and anxiety. On the outside I looked happy, but the inside was a different story. I felt anxious about life.
My mom and I had lunch a lot during this time and she would always ask if I was okay and as soon as she did I would start crying for no reason. Now, if you know me, then you know I am extremely emotional, but this was something different. She knew something was wrong and so did I, but I couldn’t figure it out. She suggested I start seeing a professional on a weekly basis. This helped a lot, but didn’t fix the problem completely. Over the next couple of years, I would see my therapist who would help me find my way through my struggles. I was still very unhappy, but tried to hide it as best as I could.
2010 is when everything started changing for the better. One day, out of the blue, I broke up with my boyfriend. I still don’t exactly recall why I did it, except for the fact that I just knew I didn’t want to be with him forever, which is where we were headed. It was like a light switch went off in my head. I finally faced my fear and let him go. My friends and family had wanted me to do this all along, but I was blind to it because I loved him. I am not saying that he was fully to blame, but when we were together it wasn’t good. I broke up with him after 5 years, which I have to say was one of the hardest things I had to do. I went through a lot in order to feel better, but boy once all the heartache was gone it was gone for good.
I finally started to feel like myself again. I was taking better care of myself, not drinking as much and just enjoying life. I also found my faith again! I still struggle with anxiety today, but I feel like I can manage it a lot better now. Blogging has really helped me in a lot of ways, as well as Brian. Pushed me beyond my boundaries and made me get out there. I mean I still get super nervous in large crowds or meeting a lot of people at once, but it is a lot more manageable now then it used to be.
I wrote this post as a way to tell you all that if you struggle with depression or anxiety talk to someone about it. Don’t struggle in silence because I did for a long time and I wish I didn’t. Don’t feel like there is something wrong with you either because on average 6.7% of Americans struggle with depression and 18.1% are suffering from anxiety. And of those not even half of them receive treatment. I actually lost two friends of mine this past year because of depression. They took their own lives because they didn’t feel like they had any other option! And I don’t want that to happen to anyone. You are loved and wanted!
Thank you so much for reading! I know this was a long post and definitely not as light hearted as most of my posts, but I am trying something a little different this year. Let me know what you think about this and if you like these types of posts!
Who to contact if you are struggling with depression, anxiety or thoughts of suicide:
If you are located in Dallas there is the Out of the Darkness Walk to help raise awareness about Suicide Prevention. To get more information and register to walk click here.